[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
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I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Seductively sings in Klingon.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here