[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
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The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
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Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Banking tips
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I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Don’t tell me what to do
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Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨