[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
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Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
