Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
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When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.聽聽When we spoke they鈥檇
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it鈥檚 been reporting back to Bezos
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Me: It鈥檚 not what you said, it鈥檚 the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn鈥檛 even realize we had a conversation*
Gods work.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Spoiler Alert: I was late
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I鈥檓 sure he鈥檒l kill it here
When someone explains why they鈥檙e late, I tell them I don鈥檛 buy it and make intense eye contact.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (鉂わ笍) and I can do dinosaur (馃), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry