Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
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It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
I’ve been lied to my entire life
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
