Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
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[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.
Me, at 33: I think I am too.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?