Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
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obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
idk what he going thru but i feel him
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.