Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
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*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Covert ops
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?