Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
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do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.