Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please

Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*

me: hey watch out for the poison ivy

friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car

a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?

When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”

Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.

my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy

🤨

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.

The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?

Me: Avocados.

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there

I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.