“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
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Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!