Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

Him:

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.

Me: Coke please

Waiter: Is heroin okay?

interview: problem solving skills?

me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla

The dogs are drawn by their screams.

Simple enough.

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.

“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”

A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested

Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.

With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”

My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.

8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?

ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?

[Courtroom]

Judge: Have you been up before me?

Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?

Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.

I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!

triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit

Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.