“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
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“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.