Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
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I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?