Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
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My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter