Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”

………. she’s my 3rd kid.

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD

Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?

Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.

A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺

Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.

There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.

My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.

So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”

I replied “sorry I’m married.”

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?

Not all heroes wear capes.

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.