Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
You Might Also Like
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.