Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
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Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Uh oh 👀
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
