Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
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*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.