Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
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Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
relationship goals
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Whoa 😂
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.