Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
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I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”