Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.

Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old

target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

[Australian recipe for upside down cake]

1: make cake

dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i’ll see you when you get back

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?

If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.

I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.

I’ve already accomplished* so much today

*been afraid of a goose

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?

I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.

Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts

DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.

[Taken 26]

Abductor: I have your great granddaughter

LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago

Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.

Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.

still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test

[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…