Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.

i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you

Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.

A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”

Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok

Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.

I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions

Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.

Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.

Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.

sistine chapel

Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?

Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.

T:

Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…

Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.

Dons gloves and bandana.

Saunters into restaurant.

THIS IS A TAKE OUT!

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.

my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first

Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.

I’m their teacher.

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.

I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.

Getting married soon just need a spouse

*tries on a gas mask*

Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here

Also me: I wonder how I can contribute

Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.

Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’