Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
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Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here