Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?

*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*

*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

9: Can I rent an otter?

Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!

– dogs

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.

S:
D:

S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.

S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?

S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?

S: MOM! Come get your husband.

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely

I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..

“I’ve invented the toaster”

SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?

“2”

SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8

Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.

Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.

[resorting to cannibalism]

My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!

Me: he would have wanted us to survive

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

Real bees work best

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it

If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.

[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed

[Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG

I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty

My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.

My husband: Get used to it kid.

Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.