Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
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Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.