Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL

Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means

Son: Your makeup looks weird

Me: I’m not wearing any

When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.

Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise

Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?

Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?

Bars, they’re called bars

I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.

Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?

Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.

I think we should hear other voices.

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

Some people are like a ray of spray tan.

herekittykittykittykitty

– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating

At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.

If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”

I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.

[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?

I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.