Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

i don’t think it’ll all fit in there

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes

Optometrist: I am please stop talking

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.

[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?

Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.

*opens Advil*

*takes Advil*

*closes Advil*

*looks at husband*

“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”

12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.

His protest was legendary.

Me: home is where the heart is.

Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.

Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…

Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch

Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?

Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*

Me: yes.

My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂

‘Probably’.