Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.

Silence is golden

But duct tape is silver.

Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?

“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”

Me: time to be better with my finances

Them: you could stop buying things

Me: not like that

If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.

Saying it, is just words.

I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.

My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?

My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.

Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*

5 year old: No it isn’t

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

[at a dance]

HER: why don’t you take the lead

ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya

I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.

Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.

Her: this isn’t going to work out

Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.

Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism