“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
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Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.