Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy

wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}

This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.

Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.

Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?

Her: don’t

Me: exuberant

Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion

Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.

teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.

I’m that bored in the house 🥺

#lockdownextension

I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.

Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no

Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it

T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all

[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]

If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…

My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro

how much for the angry fruit?

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

Wonders if chickens do the funky people.

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava