“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
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….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
#oldknees
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato