78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
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*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Great acting.. 😂
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.