Playing hide and seek in my office building because they can’t fire you if they can’t find you.

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I was really moved by The Great Gatsby. Specifically, to the theater showing Iron Man 3.


VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.


An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.


Being a single man has to be depressing when you think that even a guy like Hitler had a girlfriend.


flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me


That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls


“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev


3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch


Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice


If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.