@K_blue

Playing hide and seek in my office building because they can’t fire you if they can’t find you.

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@DamienFahey

I was really moved by The Great Gatsby. Specifically, to the theater showing Iron Man 3.

@dubiousrhetoric

VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.

@ipalatsky

An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.

@Xoolun

Being a single man has to be depressing when you think that even a guy like Hitler had a girlfriend.

@dlicj

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me

@PJTLynch

That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls

@pauljadam

“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev

@aotakeo

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

@PaperWash

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice

@Carbosly

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.