Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant

Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?

I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.

interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume

me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt

This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.

[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!!

[Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number

People: What the

Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.

Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage

A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.

No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.

had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”

My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.

He didn’t actually want anything.

I know! Incredible!

Oh and then I fainted.

How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?

Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way

Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.