Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

Me: wow I have so much shit to do before I have to pick the kids up, I need to stop getting distracted
Also me: now seems like a good time to make a wreath using wild grapevines and dried flowers for my secret Santa

“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”

Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.

*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*

Other people: I should put that back where it belongs

Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it

Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.

the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)

Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.

Whiskey: Yes you can.

Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food

LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂

just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️

Wife: hey you shocked me!

Me: oh no! I am so sorry.

Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.

Me: [under breath] pika pika.

Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.

*reads list of assassin targets*

“Eggs, milk…what the-”

[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*

Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.

What I said: it’s bedtime

What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime

If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.

ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.