Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.

To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:

Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk

ME: but this tree is so tiny

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”

Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’

Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”

LMAO.

[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens

[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

How animals would run if they were human

The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]

ME: I’d like to phone a friend.

HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.

Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’

i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github

Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”

HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE

I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon

I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.

The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.

“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”

“Then I would have had to reword it.”