Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t. Being lazy.

my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player

Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married

Interviewer: and you?

Me: distracted her husband with an interview

I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?

remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool

Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?

KFC hitting the cannibal market

My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old

Him: I’m an dog person

Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?

who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes

Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue

I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.

My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.

Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.

Her: I agree but can we land first?

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*

The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.

ME: *thinks for a bit* …k

MAGICIAN: That is a letter.

ME: omg ur right

Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar

Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.

A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon

Looking for investors

The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.