{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
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[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ