Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)

9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?

Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm

9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)

Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?

I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.

6 month old baby: ……..

Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!

My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

I just passed the cutest kitten.

It was much easier than swallowing it.

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!

My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..

..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!

My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.

*slides note across counter*

Cashier (whispers): No problem.

[over intercom system]

“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”

Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.

My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.

A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

[Standing still for a picture]

I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.