Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?

I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice

Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control

Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster

The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese

Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.

They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.

Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist

My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.

i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”

brain: did we get anything done this weekend?

me: no

brain: ok then at least we relaxed

me: somehow also no

[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]

Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*

Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready

My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.

Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”

*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*

Sara?

*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*

“Yes?”

Help my knee is made of magnets

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.