Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe

[God creating cheesecake]

GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good

ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?

GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]

Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids

butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?

ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”

A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time

“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”

– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms

Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.

Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

ME: I thought only old people got that

DOCTOR:

ME:

DOCTOR:

ME: Oh…

Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime

Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this

ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity

FRIEND: who?

ME: *narrows eyes*

Them: Have you tried dieting?

Me: Have you ever tried pizza?

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.

Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.