[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
