My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
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Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Who just rang my doorbell? Its either:
1. A murderer
2. The police
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
“So help Me God.”
No. Don’t order Me to help you. I’m God, you bipedal worm.