[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
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Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
[after i confess to murder]
COP: sarge? you gotta see this
[shows interrogation video and sees my fingers crossed the whole time]
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
– Baby, do you think I have too much makeup on?
– That depends. Are you gonna try to kill Batman?