[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
technique
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
