– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
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just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
lol
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.