Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.

“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”

me, to the collection agency

No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425

Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”

-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

3-year-old: I want more milk.

Me: What’s the magic word?

3: *enraged falcon screech*

Close enough.

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

A face that lunched a thousand chips.

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.

You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.

GOOD COP: cover me!

DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug

tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim

Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009

Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.

For the ones in the back.

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.