Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap

If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?

Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]

A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?

The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.

UBER DRIVER: No.

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.

My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.

me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table

Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.

no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!

The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.

this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now