Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.

*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:

Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

This pepper has seen some $h1t.

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.

A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.

In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French

Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.

Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?

Librarian: stop talking

#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.

Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.

what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??

[Hydra command meeting]

Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!

Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.