playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
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Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.