playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
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[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.