Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia

We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.

Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.

Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic

Worm: wait we’re eating what

This is my emotional support online shopping cart

“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.

*kicks the door in*

PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR

Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.

i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice

*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…

ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied

*getting kidnapped*

Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits

Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.

“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats

Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”

“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.

old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?

inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.

What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.