playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
You Might Also Like
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
The three genders.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend