[playing nunchucks]

Mother Superior: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: *putting down Sister Agatha* Sorry, Reverend Mother

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Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb


Girls are like tornadoes because in pictures it’s like wow those look cool but in person it’s all omg what do I do


Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now


Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.


Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.


DATE: do you want kids?

ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?


Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb.

Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.