Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Mother Superior: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: *putting down Sister Agatha* Sorry, Reverend Mother
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Girls are like tornadoes because in pictures it’s like wow those look cool but in person it’s all omg what do I do
CSI is like Scooby-Doo for old people.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
ME EVERY WEEK OF SCHOOL
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Not sure what to do with all the daylight we are saving.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb.
Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.