The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
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ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
🤔😂😂
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body