@Gupton68

[playing nunchucks]

Mother Superior: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: *putting down Sister Agatha* Sorry, Reverend Mother

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@BadMikeyBad

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

@TitaniumToplass

Girls are like tornadoes because in pictures it’s like wow those look cool but in person it’s all omg what do I do

@armyVet1972

Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now

@FatherWithTwins

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

@PajamaStew

Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.

@ShortSleeveSuit

DATE: do you want kids?

ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?

@RandomManik

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb.

Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.