[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
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remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears