[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
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What personal space?
My dog
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
WWE is French for “yes”
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro