Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you

There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.

Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.

me: point taken lol

guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit

I bought a metal detector.

Beach better have my money.

Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.

I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away

If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.

I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.

I camp so other people don’t have to.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’

Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.

You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.

Suez Canal: what the hell?

container ship: PARKOUR!

The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.