Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?

I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

God: You’ll be huge and fat

Blue Whale: Dang

God: Awful eyesight

Whale: Ugh

God: No predators- except other whales

Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-

God: Biggest junk on the planet

Whale: I’m in

What kind of car does a sheep drive?

A Lamborghini.

Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss:

You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”

[High School Reunion]

Me: Those were the days, right?

Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”

Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.

RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air

ME: HOLY SHIT

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”

My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.

I’ve never related to anyone less.

Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.

Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.

Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”

Bread puns are on the rise!