[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
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Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Duolingo getting serious.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?