Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.

[playing the game of life]

instructions: the player with the most money wins

me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic

We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.

Tinder: Meet people within a few miles

Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.

Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.

Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.

Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.

3yo: no five more things!

Me: no, one more thing.

3yo: yay one more thing!

Bless their stupid little hearts.

When your diet is finally over.

I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.

I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.

I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.

Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same

Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.

Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.

*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

Hippocrates did very well for himself,

considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming

Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive

The forest creatures begin stampeding.

You turn to me, clearly scared.

“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.

You smile nervously. “Thank go—”

“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”

After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”

Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.