*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
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the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!