Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
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When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do