Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?

ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?

WIFE: Two!

ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm

You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?

me: i gotta fight you for them?

Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!

Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?

👻

At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”

Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.

Me: Almost? Quitter.

Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.

I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.

Me: *pulls a glass push door*

Wife:

Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*

Wife:

Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door

Wife: *nods* weird door

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.