Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.

Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.

Boss “Are you high?”

If I was high could I do this?

*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*

Need this in my life lol

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—

7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting

Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.

DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this

If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys

Seductively sings in Klingon.

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”

Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

[1st date]

[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor

Her: “How’s your meal?”

[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.

Even if it is no one’s birthday.

They don’t even check.

“Just circling back on this.”

“Take another lap.”

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.

britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.

“Please be normal”
“Nope”

interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

me: i’m a slow learner

interviewer: well…that’s not good

me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to