[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
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Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then