Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.

Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen

I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

[at roller rink]

My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.

*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*

Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.

Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?

Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.

Dracula:

Her: oh

can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us

I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.

What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?

A spook-easy.

#dadjokes

“WTF?”

“Seriously?”

“How could you?”

“Oh, man!”

“I’m right here.”

-my dog watching me throw food in the trash

Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*

My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”

How to dress when you are a woman over forty:

1. Be a woman over forty

2. Put your clothes on

Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do

Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”

Good morning, Twitter x

I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs

I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD

Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.

Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.

Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”

The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.