Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
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why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.