Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Left at a local drug store…

If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?

(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

ME: do you have any specials

PHARMACIST: what

me other days of the year: amazon is evil

me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.

why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…

Me: *petting my cat*

My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.

Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?

Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!

3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!

emergency phone

I cannot call her anything else now

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.

Computer: [down]

Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket

ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe

HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy

PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed

Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It’s my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.

I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying

💀

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.

My heart 😭

“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”

THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤

Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.

A HERO

KNOW HER NAME!