Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing

ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.

My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?

Me: Wait til after dinner

Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?

Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!

Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune

13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you

Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.

Me: I need one

*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.

drunk god: land clouds

angel: those are sheep

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”