Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.

Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on

*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*

Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s

*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*

SG- Those aren’t your pants

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

Judge: how do you plead?

Guy: well usually to my wife

Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant

do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.

13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.

Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.

Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

had to make it

My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.

Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.

I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents

I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”

I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.

[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*