playing pool? you mean swimming?
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[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory