Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..

There are 2 types of buyers in me:

1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago

2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??

The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

Great acting.. 😂

Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.

People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.

SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.

You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

-Plagiarists

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat

MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done

“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right

*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*

Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown

Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life

Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.