playing pool? you mean swimming?
You Might Also Like
So Hamburger help me, God
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on