Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.
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Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.