Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.
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FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Howl 😭
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Saturday
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Breaking news:
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
🤣😂🤣😂
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”