Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.
You Might Also Like
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.