Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card

[Texting]

My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike

Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast

How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?

Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.

The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did

Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro

If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.

If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.

“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt

“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump

My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.

Sadly, I got sausages.

I can’t think of a wurst problem!

#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.

sign of the times 🖊

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?

12:
Its not really spicy..

Except on the way out

Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together

i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.

Mama Bear: The porridge is ready

Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours

the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time

Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why

*Arrives at airport checkin*

Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!

-Ticket please

Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]

Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.

In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.

Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.

1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.

NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.

Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.