Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.
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This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t