Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.
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Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
is this how new cars are made??
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100