Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.
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Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
This is why I hate group projects
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce