“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
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[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES