Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

biblically accurate fire hydrant

Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.

Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..

Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?

“You can’t just erase people out of your life”

Me:

Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja

“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”

When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat

*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck

Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes

My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.

that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…

20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles

Me: hey!

20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.