Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.

Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]

Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…

*takes the high road*

*gets altitude sickness*

HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way

I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.

noah: two of every single species on earth

god: yes

noah: and a boat to fit them all

god: yes

noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time

god: yes

noah: and all my friends are going to die

god: yes

noah: but like the world will be good after that right

god: i mean

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?

All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.

Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.

He liked medium butts.

So he lied.

*sees cute boy checking me out*

me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards

the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me

Million-dollar idea:

Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.

Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?

Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.

Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.

The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.