Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see

walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal

Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul

I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.

[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside

I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.

ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.

Death is not the end.

You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.

A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”

“For drinking.” replies the cop.

“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

went fishing caught a bass

me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.

Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep

[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late

having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”

Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.

If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.

People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig